Unpolished, live learnings from a small business coach part 2: Fear
Hannah Ray is a therapeutic career, life + business coach. She holds space for people who want to develop a greater sense of understanding, trust and belief in themselves so that they can create their own version of success.
Every month, she shares something that she’s learning about right now. The aim is for her words to be as live, from the heart, and unpolished as her perfectionist streak can deal with. This is to show that we are never alone, because it’s a very human thing to always be going and growing through something.
Fear, fear, fear. It just never goes away completely, does it?
I recently realised that a lot of the great and new things in my life in the past year (a growing coaching business, a new relationship, a new home, a new cat) have been secretly pressing all my fear buttons.
I have been feeling a bit low and slow; there’s a bit of effort in everything. And I felt a bit guilty for this, because these new things are great and I’ve wanted them for a long time, so shouldn’t I be grateful, happy and full of energy?
The truth is, change and newness are triggering. It invites us to respond - and it’s often easiest to respond with our most familiar and fearful patterns of thought or behaviour; you know, the ones we developed from a really young age.
e.g. “Maybe I can’t do this?” “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if I let someone down?” “Everyone else is better at this than me” “What if it goes wrong?” “Am I doing enough?” etc.
I write this without any ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ connotations of what that means because I’m really simply looking at this as just data. It’s pattern, it’s default, it’s learned habit.
The way I think of this whole process is that life is a series of stretches. Every stretch leads to some kind of growth in some direction. Sometimes, those stretches are very manageable as we stretch just a little bit outside of our comfort zone to find something new to learn, experience or bring into the fold.
Other times, we might stretch a little too far in to our overstretch zone - this can leave us feeling unsafe, overwhelmed, triggered. Other times, there might be a number of smaller stretches, but in a number of different directions - this can create the same effect as the overstretch because you are growing in so many different directions - almost like you are trying to catch too many balls at once. (This final one is me right now).
Here are 4 ways I’m coping with the fears that my stretches are triggering, that might speak to you too:
Let the fear be there. It’s so tempting to try and ignore fear or shove it to the side - wishing you could just abandon it, or that it didn’t exist. Sit with it, be kind to it, allow it to be there. Remind it of some of the ways (big or tiny) that you have adapted and navigated together before. It’s funny how just allowing feelings to be there can sometimes diffuse or lighten them.
Find the things or people that can support you, right now. I emphasise right now because recently, my usual go-to’s for this kind of thing haven’t been working. Then I was feeling even more guilty for not doing, or wanting to do, the things that I know usually help! Gah! There might be a different activity to try or a person who could offer a totally fresh perspective to other friends. What about going for a short jog in nature instead of yoga? Or drawing a self-portrait of how you feel (it doesn’t have to be ‘good’, whatever that means!) instead of journaling? Or reaching out to a therapist or someone in your field who might relate?
Give your brain opportunities to switch focus. Our brains love familiarity, and when you’re feeling a bit anxious or fearful, those recurring thoughts and feelings can be STRONG. You can feel really stuck in them; which can sometimes translate to becoming physically stuck to your sofa at home. Firstly, and most importantly, do not berate yourself for feeling stuck or doing nothing. It’s a thing that happens to people, and perhaps you really need to just let yourself be here. Keep a sense of balance in mind with this. If it feels like it would be beneficial, introduce an opportunity for your brain to focus on something else. Can you move your furniture around? Hang a poster? Open your window and take a big breath? Go get ice cream and savour every mouthful? I deliberately use the word ‘opportunity’ because not all of these efforts will feel good or fruitful. But the more opportunities you give a go, little by little, you’ll loosen those patterns and a little more space to find a different perspective will appear at some point.
Make a list in your phone notes called ‘WINS’. Fear can prevent us from being able to see the things that have gone well in the past. I like the method of recording wins on your phone, because it’s always easy to access either a) when you think of something on the spot, and b) when you need to remind yourself of those things. Note down all the wins, big and small. I even have things like ‘installing my wall lamp’, ‘going to Albert Heijn to get food to cook for dinner when I didn’t feel like it’ and ‘calling my friend for an overdue catch-up’ in mine.
Finally, let’s remember that fear, in its own way, as scary or overwhelming or paralysing or frustrating as it is, is designed to be in service of us. Remember that feelings are data, and just because you feel something, doesn’t mean you have to respond the same way as you always have done to that feeling.
With support, kindness, and compassion, you can find the right way for you right now, through it.
Stories Club, Wagenweg Haarlem
